THE JOHNSON NFL ARCHIVE


This is the epicenter for all my insane ramblings
and meditations on the NFL's worst season ever, 1998.

lip off to me here




THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE


I weeded out the awful stuff and most of the swear words. You should never use this as a gambling tool, or a "Defeating Illiteracy" starter project. This is highly offensive and asinine material. You have been warned. The following catalog of terms might let you know if you want to scroll down:

REFERENCES:
to Hookers, Streetwalkers and/or Prostitutes: 65.
to the 1930's: 9.
to drunk people: 155.
to Santa Claus: 0.
to Santa Claus' bathwater: 1.
to steelworkers: 11.
to narcotics: 39.
to southern-fried rubes: 26.
to how I've been "wronged": 173.
to inappropriate touching: 2.
to Tulsa: 1.
to Steve Vai: 0.










A QUICK NFL SPECIAL REPORT
In honor of ABC-TV not renewing Dan Dierdorf's ABC-Monday Night Football Announcers Contract, here's an encore presentation of the infamous Dan Dierdorf One-Act Play from last seasons weekly picks column.

NFL WEEK 8.

PITTSBURGH @ KANSAS CITY-- Kansas City at home.
Bill Cowher is about as adventurous with the Steelers this year as a tape of outtakes from "Everybody Loves Raymond". Incidentally, could ABC's Dan Dierdorf suck anymore than he already does? Is getting the last word in that fucking important? While I wanted to murder him for the last few seasons, I would now enjoy torturing and murdering him. Of course, I would never do it. I'd leave it to his son, who stalked and raped his ex-girlfriend a few years back. Memo to Dan: Good job as a dad. Maybe if you'd been there, but NOOOOOO, you were too busy being a fat, white, pituitary giant with a speech impediment. I can only imagine the sheer horror that the equipment manager of the Cardinals felt every time he had to launder your musty, filthy jock straps. That scent is no doubt indelibly etched into his brain pan. And everytime you blather away on Monday night, there is some poor, withering, retired old jock-washer in Tallahassee cursing until he can't even see. Anyway, unlike me, Dierdorf is a combative, belligerent fucking idiot.
Example:
BOOMER ESAISON: I think that fan has a red coat on.
DAN: Well, actually the term is cherry red.
BOOMER: Okay.
DAN: Umm, no actually it isn't okay. Otherwise you would have indicated that the jacket's color was cherry red.
AL: Well, we just missed 2 plays, let's get back to the game.
DAN: Actually Al, the players are involved in the game, we're doing the telecast.
AL: Whatever.
DAN: Listen, you're the one making the big deal about calling the game. I am just trying to be professional.
BOOMER: Well, the Patriots have to kick.
DAN: The term is "punt".
BOOMER: That Tony Boselli, for the Jags is sure a good offensive lineman, but it looks like he got beat on that play.
DAN: I was an offensive lineman for years. There is no way I am going to sit here and listen to you bad mouth that fine athlete. Offensive linemen protected your butt for years.
BOOMER: I was just saying he got beat.
DAN: No, it was luck. He's never technically been beaten. Just like me. I am an omnipotent genius, an outstanding athlete, and, if you must know, a skilled cocksmith. Why, I'll bet I've satisfied 50 or 60 mentally-challnged women, men and juvenilles from the greater-Sacramento area alone! Top that! Anyone who has a differing opinion will be brow-beaten.
AL: But.
DAN: Shht.
AL: B. . .
DAN: Shht.
BOOMER: A. . .
DAN: Nope.
AL: B. . .
DAN: SILENCE!








THE SUPER BOWL

How did you like my Falcons/Viking pick? Dead on baby! Falcons by three. There were a few naysayers who said to me, "Your picks are funny, but they're usually wrong." Some of them were Vikings fans. Guess they'll be the same ones denying that they burned down Gary Anderson's condo and shot his dog. It is a long-season, and an even longer off-season. So mull that over.

Anyway, could Shannon Sharpe be more obnoxious? It will be hilarious watching him eat crow in the wee hours of Sunday evening. Like I have said all season, Urkel + Steroids = Shannon Sharpe.

Bill Romanowski is another story. Tough player. Schizophrenic. He'll most likely wind up in prison sometime in his late 40's or 50's. He'll never morph into the coaching realm, because he's got such a sour disposition. There is an outside chance that he'd coach his kid's team at some point, but he'd undoubtedly throttle a 13 year-old kid, and go to jail that much quicker. He should enjoy his millions now. His wife and lawyers will enjoy them later.

And Elway? You have to give him props for being a stellar athlete, but that's about it. If the Hoover dam collapsed they could use his teeth to patch it up.

I like the underdog Falcons to win by 6. Whoever is rooting for the Broncos, or the AFC is a no good bastard.

Thanks for reading the picks this year. Keep checking the site. The greatest hits are in the archive, and I'll be posting other crap all the time.







WEEK 15
This is my Christmas present to you. No swear words and a nice, wholesome story that tells quite a bit about me and Vikings LB Dwayne Rudd. If you think that I have problems, you should read "A Fan's Notes" by Fredrick Exley. It is a great book to read in the middle of the holiday season. It is about one man's obsession with the NY Giants of the late 1950's/60's.

This is a true story.

When I was really young, I used to prance around my parents' house with an acoustic guitar and a Packers helmet on. It is an era well documented through snapshots and the snickering grapevine of anecdotes that pass for conversation amongst relatives. I was a Packers freak. I met Bart Starr when I was like, four. Then someone had the wherewithal to put me in front of a TV on the Sunday afternoon in 1977 that Bears running back Walter Payton churned out 275 yards on the Vikings. It was a near religious experience. If the Pope had shown up to share a bunk bed with me for a month, it wouldn't have meant as much as seeing Payton run. I was transfixed.

Living in Eau Claire, my father and I would often drive to Lambeau Field or the old Met Stadium to see Payton and his then hapless Bears. Once, when Payton's brother Eddie was returning kicks for the Vikings, we got to meet both of them in the parking lot after the game. It is not an exaggeration to say that the NFC Central has provided me with some of the great, formative moments of my life. One year your club wins the Super Bowl, and you are invincible (actually, Vikings fans might not know much about this). You learn how to brag. When your club stiffs, you learn to perhaps be a bit more humble. You can imagine then, how disgusted I might have been following Sunday night's contest at Metrodome.

Going into Sunday's game, I had long since written off the 1998 Bears. My gripes were now with the refs. Still, I knew it wasn't going to be pretty. The Wannstedt regime has become a blueprint for what not to do with an NFL team. Vikings linebacker Dwayne Rudd's end of game touchdown taunt on Sunday was merely icing on a very bad and undercooked cake.

Nevertheless, I was furious. I had always made excuses for professional athletes. Without question, I have always sided with labor instead of management when any professional league went on strike. I have trash-talked in pickup basketball games. I have been an ungracious winner. But Rudd's action seemed like asking an old lady if she wanted Jack Kevorkian's phone number after you took all her cash, knocked her into a mud puddle and showed her nude photos of her grandchildren. My faith in athletes had gone the way of every irritating, jaded cliché uttered by any guy who has rested a tray of nachos on his belly and slapped his armrest in frustration.

I fumed. I told my roommate that I would gladly box and/or wrestle Rudd for charity. Heck, he was exactly my size. He was in way better shape, but I'd operate on sheer venom alone. I was going to send him hate letters from now until the Vikings inevitable playoff loss. I'd throw eggs at him at games. It brought out in me some of the most goofy, reactionary emotions I had experienced in years. Who did this guy think he was?

Then I tuned into local talk radio. I picked up the papers. Rudd, a hard hitter in the tradition of Studwell, Krause and Browner, was getting beat down in every direction. Even his own fans were appalled. The second year standout was receiving a very unsentimental education. In his defense, it was reported that he apologized after the game. My anger subsided. I went back to my life. After all, watching professional football is certainly not the bane of my existence. I drink and complain, too.

I was at work at a store in the Western suburbs on Tuesday night. It was, by all accounts, quiet. A soft sales day, my boss would say. I went into the walk-in cooler to make sense of some inventory. I got to thinking about Rudd again. I couldn't believe how he'd dissed my team, and the whole game in general. A store-wide buzzer went off, signaling that someone had entered the store. I came out. By some insane karmic force, it was Dwayne Rudd.

I felt a strange rush of adrenaline. I was full of questions. We were the only people in the store.

"You, ah, play football don't you?" I mumbled.
"Yep," he said, quietly.
"Dwayne Rudd?" I pretended to guess. This was my chance to really tell him off. Almost immediately though, any remaining animosity I had escaped me. I'm not good at confrontation. Besides, the reality was that he was taking his lumps on a national scale, and I was just some opinionated chump making an hourly wage.
"Mmhmm."
"Boy, you've really been catching some heat haven't ya? What do you think is going to happen?"
He was sort of defiant at first. "They can't do nothing. A 15-yard penalty. That's all the punishment they can give me." Then he looked at the floor. "I don't know what the hell I was doing," he said and grinned sheepishly.

We talked about the Bears. It was bizarre and calming at once. I realized that the guy is a youngster, not an evil robot. He's rich, talented, brash kid who took advantage of a moment to bash a long-time rival. He got caught up in a moment. If his idea was to destroy the last vestiges of character that the '98 Bears had, he did it. That is what he gets paid for, after all.

I wished him luck. I told him something that I had refused to admit thus far—that I thought the Vikings really had a chance this season. He nodded, thanked me and left. Like everybody else, I was upset because I thought that Rudd hadn't any respect for the game that was sure to make him millions.

AND NOW FOR THE BIG WONDER YEARS FINISH. . .Meeting him a mere two days after what can now be termed either "Ruddgate," or "Tauntgate," (you choose) showed me that perhaps he wasn't the only one who had something to learn. It is strange that sports' most valid lessons don't always take place in an instant, on the field of play. Sometimes they unfold over time and involve more than just the guy showing off in the end zone.

PLAYOFFS
SUPER IDIOT:
Jets Fan Ed Anzalone

J-E-T-S!
ED! ED! ED! ED!
Firefighter Ed Anzalone is such a hot property he'll soon need a hose to cool himself off.

Yesterday morning, the Jets' most famous fan made an appearance on "The Rosie O'Donnell Show." In the afternoon, he was over at the midtown headquarters of Modell's, the sporting goods chain that's underwriting his flight and three-night stay in Denver for Sunday's Jets-Broncos game.

Today, he will get a rousing send-off from Mayor Giuliani at City Hall. Then Anzalone, his two brothers and their cousin will be driven to LaGuardia Airport in — what else — a fire truck.

If it's been a good year for the Jets, it's been a championship season for the 39-year-old father of three from Brooklyn who works at the Engine Co. 69, Ladder 28 firehouse in Harlem.

A season-ticket holder for 23 years, Anzalone suffered through Gang Green's years of ineptitude. Now, as his profile has risen with the Jets' success, he has trademarked his likeness, wearing a fire hat and No. 42 Jets jersey, whooping it up in Section 134.

It's the image that appears on T-shirts Modell's is peddling, with $2 from each sale going to the Uniformed Firefighters Association's Widows and Children's Fund.

On Tuesday, Anzalone will be inducted into the Visa Hall of Fans in the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio. He was selected on the basis of what he wrote about himself:

"For the last 22 years, this New York City firefighter's contagious fervor has brought thousands to their feet. Perched on my brother Frank's shoulders, and with a wave of my arms, I silence the crowd. Then I lead them in the cheer that reverberates through the stadium until it reaches a crescendo.

"J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets!"

Nickname: Fireman Ed
Occupation: firefighter
Vitals: 6 feet, 220 pounds
Age: 39
Family: wife, three kids in Brooklyn
Fan uniform: fire hat and jersey number 42 (for ex-Jet Bruce Harper)
Home stadium seat location: 20 yard line.
How long a fan: 23 years
Rallying cry: "J-E-T-S."
Favorite player: Wayne Chrebet
Favorite team moment: Sunday's victory over Jacksonville
Favorite stadium drink: Poland Spring water
Hobbies: Playing any sport What he thinks of rival team's city: "Haven't been there, but hear it's beautiful."
Prediction: Jets 31, Broncos 27.


WEEK 6
PITTSBURGH @ CINCY-- Somewhere on the highway from Pittsburgh to Cincy, a father will explain to his son about the good old days when Terry Bradshaw was QB for the Steel Curtain. The kid will say to his dad, "You mean that lousy son-of-a-bitch who does the Fox pregame?" The dad will say "Yes. If you were a true Steelers fan you would have known that. I should have brought your sister." That kid will turn to hard drugs and be lost forever. In the battle of two bland teams with astroturf and lousy riverfront stadiums, the Steelers will prevail. Does anyone care? These two teams are so inconsistent that they won't be in serious contention for the AFC Championship. I do love Jerome Bettis though.


WEEK 4
Cincy @ Baltimore-- Baltimore. If I was in a Soviet prison and someone said, "Hey, you can watch this game or be sexually assaulted by a guy who has lived on Onions and potato vodka for the last 11 years" I would get assaulted. (true story)


WEEK 5
SAN DIEGO @ INDIANAPOLIS-- Ryan Leaf apologized for his tantrum. Good. This is the battle of the rookie QBs; they're both taking their lumps. It is asking a lot for them just to jump into the NFL action. I feel bad. I should have their problems. Me and my simple life: Driving a rusty car, not a nickel to my name, ugly as a mule, 100 lbs overweight, not all my fingers, never had no fancy book-learnin', hooked on porn and glue, chronic diarrhea. . . Shit, life is a fucking cakewalk for me. How could I possibly understand the dilemmas they face??? All them defensive schemes comin' at 'em. And only 5 300+ lb guys protectin 'em??? And all them speedy colored receivers, with their gold and big mouths?? and them stoopid Southern fried-idiot head coaches, and all them choices about which gal to fuck, which SUV to drive, which mattress to tuck all them hundreds under???? Jeez I couldn't deal with them problems. Indianapolis at night? All them temptations??? What with all them UHF teevee stashuns?? And all them piksher shows a playin? All them different kinds of gum to chew??? Sheeeit, the gol-dernd president duzint know the agony and frustrashun of bein a NFL quarterbeck.. My hats off to them guys. Peyton Manning will get his first W.


WEEK 4 (note: Buffalo won this game.)
SAN FRAN @ BUFFALO-- How's about a good old fashioned ass-kicking???? Think you Buffalo fans have had enough of those lately?? What?? Is that a "no"? Okay. Well, I'll book a flight for the San Francisco 49ers to come to town-- your town, that is, and they'll beat the living shit out of your organization, from soup to nuts. Your Bills won't know whether to shit or go scuba diving. And don't mention how things would be different if Jim Kelly was around. Why? a) Because that's whining. Have some dignity. Be honest. Your team is horrible. Maybe if you had some other fucking hobbies than watching some one-trick AFC-Siberia shitheads chase a football around like a pack of drunken Norfolk sailors after a lazy-eyed hooker, it would be easier to stomach. Maybe, if for once, this Christmas you didn't put mistletoe on your belt buckle and wink at your daughter, I'd have some fucking respect for you. Maybe, if you didn't have astroturf at Rich Stadium--- what, are fucking groundskeepers hard to come by up there?? Is that too skilled a position?? Face it. Western Pennsylvania is more cosmopolitan than your city. It is the Milwaukee of NY. and b) Because Jim Kelly is the Herm Johnson of football. Ever heard of Herm Johnson? He was an Indy car racer who preferred to bounce off of cement walls at 195 mph, rather than look for the checkered flag. Herm, look for the Goddamn flag!!!!! Shit, give him an opportunity and he pisses it away. Here is the Goddamn Super Bowl, Jim. For the umpteenth time this decade. Do you know what the Super Bowl is? It is the last game of the season. If you win it, you'll go home a champion. Forget it.


WEEK 5
THE BIG GAME-- MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL
MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS-- Employee absentee rates will be extremely high in Wisconsin and Minnesota on Tuesday October 6th. People will be drunk, in hospitals, in overturned cars, have 3rd degree burns from nacho cheese, have missing teeth, have missing nostrils, etc. There will be a shortage on Tums, too. This is installment #1 of a 2 part series of something known as SHEER JACKASS SYNDROME. The Packers will prevail, as they are at home. The Vikings will probably win the game at Metrodome. That is how these things work. It is all blaze orange, and cheap beer. If you watch this game at a tavern, duck often and frequently.


WEEK 1
Arizona @ Dallas-- Arizona is slightly better than .500 this year. Dallas, to use a childhood euphemism of mine, sucks the sweat off a dead pig's balls. It is amazing how bad they are. They are the Van Halen of the NFL. Think about it --
1. Troy Aikman, virtuoso QB, is still around despite all the changes. it is still his band.
Eddie Van Halen, virtuoso gtr, is still around despite all the changes. it is still his team.
2. early on, with the dynamic Jimmy Jones at the helm, the cowboys won a couple of super bowls.
ealry on, with David Lee Roth at the helm, VH ROCKED.
3. The Cowboys had some drug and sex problems. Crystal Pepsi was introduced in a huge ad campaign during one of their Super Bowl games.
Van Halen had some drug and sex problems. Van Halen, led by Sammy Hagar sung the theme to the Pepsi commercial.
Both were still largely popular (perhaps moreso) and successful. Crystal Pepsi tanked.
4. The Cowboys made a coaching change. They picked up an already successful college coach, Barry Switzer. He loved the team, but had his own agenda and ego. They still won a Super Bowl.
Van Halen ditched DLR for Sammy Hagar, who had a successful solo career, and a large, dumb ego. They still made platinum records though.
5. Troy Aikman loathed Barry Switzer. Even with their success, Switzer was canned. He said he was gonna quit. Which was it anyway? Did it matter? They had already been trumped by the Packers and the Broncos.
Eddie and Sammy got in a power struggle, by this point it was boring anyway, other bands were on the rise, VH was/is irrelevant. Sammy was fired/quit.
6. The Cowboys hired Chan Gailing (who?)as their puppet/head coach.
Van Halen hired Gary Cherone (who?) as their puppet/lead singer.


WEEK 8
ATLANTA @ NY JETS-- Here you go Billy Boy, Dan Reeves knows the Meadowlands like a drunk husband with lipstick on his fly knows the way to tiptoe to the laundry room. Your team is also inconsistent. I will give you props for benching Glenn Foley. If you do.

RANDOM NOTE:
Closed circuit to Fox's Howie Long: The glasses don't make you look smarter. The upside down Curious George book in your mitts is a dead giveaway.


WEEK 9
MINNESOTA @ TAMPA BAY-- When the Vikings first put together a string of victories, I expressed some concern about the possibilities of them shooting themselves in the foot in a contest such as this. After all, such genius prognosticators as Sam Wyche had picked Tampa Bay to make it to the Super Bowl. Well, we all know that Tampa Bay's season will end as crudely and abruptly as it always has: sometime between Halloween and Thanksgiving. (actually, it used to end when the team broke training camp) But what I really want to know is where are all the Vikings fans? When the Packers were doing this good, and I lived in Wisconsin, everyone was drunk from Labor Day until Valentine's Day. People were in the street with Blaze Orange parkas on shooting holes in cheese with high-powered rifles. Every river was flooded with deer blood and every lake was full of Pabst Blue Ribbon. All the kids were swaddled in Zubaz.
Wives who were normally beaten with every field goal Chester Marcol missed, now had their lips firmly wrapped around the Leinenkugel's tap at every speakeasy from Superior to Mauston. Vikings fans are acting like it is the off-season for Christ's sake. Get with it, you lousy SOB's your club will move to 8-0 after today.


WEEK 9
ST. LOUIS @ ATLANTA-- Thanks a lot Dan Reeves. You screwed me last week. Everyone is saying how bad Rams QB Tony Banks sucks, and they seem astonished by this. Why? Rams coach Dick Vermeil should be wearing a fucking shawl on the sidelines. Atlanta by 10.


NFL WEEK 10
A QUIZ
DETROIT @ PHILADELPHIA When Lions coach Bobby Ross and his club board the Greyhound for Philadelphia this week, he'll pack a gunnysack full of:
A) Possum Jerky
B) His fancy city teeth.
C) Them amazin' football plays that cause his team to wallop the Packers but lose like saps to the Cardinals.
Prediction: Detroit

TENNESSEE @ TAMPA BAY Tampa Bay, who were finally coaxed by coach Tony Dungy to actually win a game, are like a dysfunctional family. QB Trent Dilfer is most like:
A) The no-good, pimply-faced son who sits in his room listening to Ozzy, daydreaming about making a winter coat out of all the neighborhood pets, who goes to church one Sunday and actually ends up singing in the choir.
B) The poor mother, trapped under the refrigerator, an Old Thompson bottle imprint on her forehead, who gets saved by the paperboy.
C) The drunken father, who spends his meager paycheck every Friday night on expensive booze and cheap hookers, who narrowly escapes the cops as his finishes his weekend bender by stealing a 3-speed from the local junior high to make his way home on Monday morning.
Prediction: Tampa Bay.

ST. LOUIS RAMS @ CHICAGO If you are still a Bears fan, you:
A) have a piece of lucky 1985 pastrami lodged in your aorta.
B) think Zubaz should be worn daily.
C) haven't forgiven Jim McMahon for going finishing his career in Green Bay.
Prediction: With all the substitute QB miracles in the NFL this year, Steve Stenstrom will lead the Bears to a W.

CINCINNATI @ JACKSONVILLE If you think Jacksonville has a chance of making it to the Super Bowl, you:
A) are impressed by Dan Dierdorf's witty banter on Monday Night Football.
B) always buy the gear for new teams, have an inflatable Miller Lite chair, use too much hair gel, have a nonsexual crush on G Tony Boselli.
C) go to random little league games just to yell at kids.
Prediction: Jacksonville.

NEW YORK GIANTS @ DALLAS Essay question, e-mail your response. "LT" is lost in Dallas. How long will it take him to find crack?
Hint: If you mention something about him stumbling upon the Cowboys locker room, you're on the right track.
Prediction: Dallas.

GREEN BAY @ PITTSBURGH Pittsburgh head coach Bill Cowher and his staff are:
A) Inept boobs who backed their way into the Super Bowl a few years back.
B) Are almost as overrated as Marty Schottenheimer and company.
C) Misunderstoood geniuses who happen to be borrowing Forrest Gregg's
playbook.
Predicition: Green Bay.


NFL WEEK 11
(picks done by random clients at the Hopkins, MN nursing home.)
Miami @ Carolina—"They are still playing football in Carolina? Miami wins. Did you know that the gentleman who was just in my room tried to crawl in bed with me last night?" Oliver, 96.

New England @ Buffalo—"New England's Drew Bledsoe is overrated. He is not smart enough to qb in the NFL, and he's got the cajones of a sparrow. Pete Carroll's club will lose on the road, as Doug Flutie does his midget dance all over the end zone. When I see Doug Flutie prancing around the field, I think of my old prom date Mitzi Carruthers. I was just finishing my stewardship at wood-carving school, and her privates reminded me of a sickly boll weevil. Oh, those were the days. The Bills." Earl, 88.

Philadelphia @ Washington—"The last time these teams were even partially amusing to the average fan, donkey-sex was still legal in most port towns along the eastern seaboard. You think that's funny? Listen, when I was in the Navy, and alls I had was testosterone and a pocket full of old washers—you tell me who the comedian is, Jack. Alls I know is that that was good, rough, love. Aw, the stinkin' Redskins will win." Edgar, 81.

St. Louis @ New Orleans—"Both of these towns will be eviscerated by rickets. Fill my stockings with oranges and send them via pony express, ASAP. Do as I say!" Gus, 114. *Saints.

Baltimore @ San Diego—"Jesus H. Christ of Latter Day Saints. I wouldn't piss on either one of these teams. Art Modell is a chancre on the face of the NFL. They should beat that bastard within an inch of his life and then beat him another inch. The Chargers ain't much better either. I would rather my bed pan be full of scalding lava than watch this shit. Baltimore." Harold, 84.

Dallas @ Arizona—"When all the rubble clears, that Neon Deion bastard is gonna be at the top of the heap. Mark my words. Dallas is just getting started, and Arizona sucks. Something tells me that Dallas is going to be getting very, very hot. It could be my trick knee. It always tells me when it's gonna rain. It also led me to a lot of really good Korean hookers back before your time. That doesn't leave this room, okay Asshole?" Ned, 78.

Green Bay @ NY Giants—"Pretty soon all there will be to do in Wisconsin is shovel snow if these bastards don't get on the stick. I don't know why they didn't go after Bam Morris when the Bears were shopping him. Coulda gotten him for a song. Listen, I don't get much of an opportunity to watch the games on Sundays, with all this church business going on. There's nothing worse than Christians. Last week I had to hide underneath some old paint tarps in the Boiler Room for three hours. I started to see a giant goose, and had to flee to the comfort of my meds. The Packers could win." Seth, 92.


WEEK 13
Minnesota @ Dallas— Naturally, Fatso Madden and his drunken, senile sidekick Pat Summerall wouldn't be caught dead anywhere but Dallas. Madden kisses Dallas ass as shamelessly as Chippewa Falls teenagers screw. Often, and without any provocation. Dallas might get lucky and win because, after all, the refs would like to see their families again. This game is like getting first dibs on any part of the fucking bird you want. It is one of the few games to watch this week.







back to the Massive Archive

back to the Johnson Page


back to King Who